Let go, and let God...

July 28, 2009
Could be a new beginning or an ending. I don't know what to expect, so I am going to let go, and let God.
For the next ten days I am going to laugh, cry, let out a lot of sighs. But nevertheless. I am going to let go, and let God.
No one knows what tomorrow may hold. So I live for today, and prepare for tomorrow.
So on that note...
I am letting go, and letting God

my silence

i could type a million and one words.
they'll go unread
i could speak til my face turns blue and i'm on my last breath
they'll never be heard
so i'll sit here in silence
holding everything that expresses any type of emotion
the hurt i won't share
the tears i won't shed

i'll keep it in my silence

The Delicate Flower

He Loves me... He Loves me not... He Loves me...

I can sit in my garden of delicate flowers. Pluck all the beautiful pedals that they have blossomed, and still end with "He Loves me".
With so many missing pieces to our jigsaw puzzle. It only makes you wonder could this all be real, or is this just a figment of our imagination?
I often question his notation of Love.
The things he do. The things he say. How he acts. What he tells me. And what I see.
Trust doesn't come easy. So my doubt overrides a lot of things. He tells me something, yet I am seeing and hearing nothing. The vagueness of his honestly, and the sight of his lying. A man once told me "I will not tell you I am a honest guy, only liars speak those words"
Looking at the trail of rose pedals I stop again on "He Loves Me"
Maybe he does love me... Maybe his heart means good..
And even though his actions may be of foolish ways, they could mean nothing and be nothing.
Even rose pedals from my delicate flower cannot prove if he loves me, or loves me not.
The sacrifice, the patience, and the actions of each other can.

APM

We live, and we learn. Saying goes fool me once. shame on you. fool me twice, shame on me. So is it shame on me b/c i can be so gullible and trustworthy to some who may not even be deserving. Even after given so many benefits of the doubt and have been shown other. I am still there with arms open, and vulnerable heart. I am weak b/c I keep allowing them to lie to me and to treat me as if I am of no value. Even when I receive praises from them, it almost feel empty, or even unreal.

The pain of a friend. The more you want to just walk away. But knowing you can't b/c they need you. Maybe I'm a sucker with too much of a kind heart that's taken for granted. It's my own fault. Sometimes I wish I could do things differently. But no shooting stars cross my path, and even wishing upon a star is a fairy tale. This is no dream. This is my reality. The reality of a person who will give the world to some, and can't even get back the proper respect from those.

It's a cold and cruel world out there. People are vicious and malicious. Even when I try to be.. I can't b/c my heart won't let me. If I didn't care so much and love so hard. My friends and Family would view me as the cold heart bitch outsiders have labeled me for.

I am closing this door of kindness, and my ability to play the fool to those I care for and love. I cannot be the doormat, or the person you mislead, misguide, or lie to. Love can only take you so far. But when it hurts this bad, and stressing to this point. It's time to walk away from those loved ones. I am no one to turn my back on anyone. But I am no ones fool to sustain what I am being put through.

They only miss you when you're gone. So on that note, I am leaving after this blog..

APM

The ABC's of Ayanna

A- Age: 26

B- Bed Size: California Queen

C- Chore You Hate: taking out the garabge

D- Dog's Name: chocolate, kush, haze, and lily

E- Essential Start Your Day Item: shower

F- Favorite Color(s): blue, blk,green

G- Gold or Silver: Gold

H- Height: 5'2"

I- Instruments you play: none

J- Job Title: exec acct

K- Kid(s): none

L- Living Arrangements: alone

M- Mom's Name: Belle-Linda

N- Nicknames: naKi, yanna, fatty, ayannaki, booski, bahbuska, and pj

O- Overnight Hospital Stay Other Than Birth: too many

P- Pet Peeve(s): ppl who burp in the phone

Q- Quote From A Movie: The old saying, how you always hurt the one you love, well, it works both ways. -fight club

R- Right or Left Handed: both but mainly right

S- Siblings: 2 older brothers 4 younger sisters

T- Time You Woke Up This Morning: 7sumthing

U- Underwear: boy shorts, thongs, g-strings.

V- Vegetable you dislike: chickpeas, and sweet peas

W- Ways you run late: over sleep

X- X-Rays You've Had: too many

Y- Yummy Food You Make: everything i cook

Z- Zoo favorite: ze monkeys

see wut boredom does

NYC Bound

I officially have a date(i am hoping they don't change it)
June 22nd, 2009
6 mos.
I am going to miss LA. And the warm weather. lol.
NYC has some beastly hot weather, but nothing like that good ole cali weather.
Looking to still get the condo in Englewood Cliffs.
I am happy , anxious, sad, and definitely looking forward to some life changing events.

Stick around. I may share details.

House Hunting

Ok so idk how long I have been talking about buying a house. House Searching. Yadda Yadda Yadda... Well I finally put an offer on a house. Butttttt... I just withdrew my offer because when he quoted me a monthly payment that just was too much for me. But! I was looking at houses in Santa Monica, I fell in love with 3 homes. And they are all in my means of price. and they look so much better. I will be looking st several more house. by middle of may i shall be settled in a HOUSE in Santa Monica, and bye bye Beverly Hills Apartment.