...let it all out session...part 2

It's been a good minute since I have blogged. A lot has been going on. Just scrambled emotions and feelings. Don't know where to begin....

Best friends
I love my best friend Billie to death. I think she pushed her final button to finally put me over the edge. I am certain we'll "kiss and make up", but as of now, I need my space from her. I need my friend to support me, rather ridicule me. It's ok to tell me I am being a fool about something. But don't go on a bashing run, when your slate isn't clean at all. I'd guess she is thinking she is saving me from a person like her... But she has no idea...

Leaving home
I just left home(Dallas) After spending a long time home. Getting back comfortable with the family. Around my lil Lana, and my brown baby Alex. My father and some of my closest friends. I have no idea when I'll be back home to see them. Made the trip coming back to Cali even more depressing...

Coming home...
You'd think someone would be happy coming home to the Sunny state of Los Angeles. I dreaded coming back. I suppressed all emotions, which turned into depression . Granted I love LA. Just leaving family to come home to nothing. But a handful of friends. and co-workers..
Blah...

Him...
-sigh-
Bittersweet. It's so beautiful thing. but there is always the worries and concerns... I'll remain optimistic about it. But at times that's even hard... We'll get through this together as one...


On the happy side

I will be seeing Paris very soon. I am nervous, but also excited. I will be getting a chance to work in my office in NYC afterwards, and finally settle down/in with him. Get my place/house in order in New Jersey. Yes I am excited!

Peace
APM

...let it all out session...

This is going to be a very long blog... i was going to separate them but i am going to just make it one complete blog. i will have the sections highlighted so you can pick and chose on what you want to read...

as i begin

I Am Sisters Keeper...
Everyone knows my sister is my life and i would give them the world and everything. I have been through hell and high waters with them and for them. Lost great things for them. Because they are my universe .
Just recently I chose to take a step back from being in my sister Allie's wedding. It's only so much you can take from a person before they break you down. And for my own sister to get me to that point. it is really time for me to just sit back, and just stay away. I pray who ever helps her with her wedding can deal with her and have great patience. Cause I can't... 20 odd yrs of dealing with someone of her nature has killed all desire to even help her...
I love her dearly, but i cannot do this with her anymore...

New settings, new light...
I've recently had a revelation[i guess u could call it that]. I just seen a few ppl in a new light, and I am realizing they are not the person I've gotten to know over the time period i have known them. Had I even opened my eyes up to see them like this. or even had the chance to before this. I would have went my own way. Another way, or not been so close to them in the 1st place. It's amazing how well you think you know someone, or how much you really think you know about somebody. Then you realize... damn i don't really know you. It's fucked up the yrs...decades... you've spent growing to know each other. weather its a friendship, a relationship, a family kinship...

It almost sickens me thinking about it. it's sad. i've seen enough to be convinced that they(more than one person) are someone i don't need in my life. I am glad i have had the pleasure now to see them in the manner, and see who they really are... they say your true actions show when you think no one is watching. but i seen enough characters to know you are a full showcase and you are putting on a one wo(man)[both sexes] show...

i gracefully bow out... now take a bow. you show has ran its season... curtains closed..

internet vs the real world:
Over the short time I have spent on this world wide web. i have notice that a lot of the ppl on here... spend too much time on here... and sit in the real world and complain that nothing is going on for them. I've had wayyy too many conversations with ppl i've gotten acquainted with. Their common complaint is "o don't feel like i am getting anywhere in life right now." "i feel like i am in the same place" well if you logged off the computer and spent more time on making shit happen and not entertain the internet. you might have something going for you... I believe if some ppl put as much effort as they do online, offline. they might see a 180 in their outcome. word from the wise.

Conde' Nast/CondeNet:
The job I worked so hard to get might be coming to an end. I have people fighting for me to stay. It's not because I am a bad worker. I am actually one of their best workers that have come across in a very long time. Times are hard. My pay is high. And I am a new person there. Easier to let the person who's the newest and makes the most to go than to fire an old member who pay is about 10-25k less than mine... Who knows how this will work out in the end...

Special Shout Out...
To everyone that has been in my corner. The few of you know who you are.
Especially Julian... Glad you got ya drive back to draw :) I want to see how that Jimi Hendrix drawing comes out. Marisol is looking forward to seeing it as well

Thanks for your eyes and your time

APM

save the hero

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everyone wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind each day i die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
Rainbows lead to a pot of gold

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

just how i am feeling right now

baby fever

So i am going through this baby fever thing again.
This year was suppose to be my year that we decided to make a baby. but with the change of my relationship status. Motherhood looks kind of far fetched for me. But still in my plans.
The sooner the better. But I cannot rush into motherhood.

I was at a baby shower the other day, and seeing all these pretty pregnant women, and holding all of these babies from different ages. Seeing the mother interact with their children really hit me hard, like damn... I want my turn at this. Even dealing with Alex(nephew), and J.C.(godson/arin's son) as much as they get on my nerves. the sight of them, hearing them laugh, seeing them play. I be like damn they are amazing.

My sister Alli just told me she was expecting. She's the one who is also getting married. And she was nervous about telling me for many different reasons, but her main one was b/c she feels like damn this year everything is happening for her, and not me as it was planned. but this goes to show you cannot plan out your life, just have to let things happen


Mentally I am ready, Financially I am ready... Just missing the other main ingredient..
...

One day I'll get my turn, with my man, and we'll have a big beautiful family. as i dream of... until then imma just enjoy everyone else babies, and live my life like it's golden

no words...

There are time where no words are ever needed. Just a friendly shoulder, and arms to console someone. Assuring them that through it all you are going to be there by their side through the matter. And will be the strength they need to get by

A really dear friend of mine. Someone i hold close to me, lost someone very special to him. Not much i can really say to him to console him. because i know how it is to lose someone. especially someone that close, and someone you hold highly. As much as i wish i could ease the pain or his lost, or comfort him. I can't. But he knows I am here for him when he needs me.

It hurt to hear the news. In so many ways. Like the pain shot right through me. To see him hurting in such ways, and knowing it's nothing i can do to really help, besides be here for him.

My condolence to his family, and him.

Love You, Matt. I am here for you

-sigh-

quotes of a heart

I am bored.. and reading about relationships, break ups, going through a break and yadda yadda yadda... some of these quotes kinda hit home. and are good

no these are not mine. i just found them online.

"A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."

"No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends."

"Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him."

"It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye."

"Take away love and our earth is a tomb."

"The heart was made to be broken."

"Everyone tells me I should forget about you, you don’t deserve me. They’re right, you don’t deserve me, but I deserve you."

"When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. You are no longer alive."

"I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was."

"It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does."

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you"

"Sometimes the person you really need is the one you didn’t think you wanted."

"Moving on is simple, it’s what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew."

"The pain of having a broken heart is not so much as to kill you, yet not so little as to let you live."

"If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

"Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours."

"The hardest part of dreaming about someone you love is having to wake up."

"I was born the day I met you, lived a while when you loved me, died a little when we broke apart."

"The worst way to love someone is to sit next to them, knowing they don’t love you back."

"You don’t realize how much you care about someone until they don’t care about you."

However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside. - Deepak Chopra

A relationship is like a rose. How long it lasts, no one knows. Love can erase an awful past, love can be yours, you'll see at last. To feel that love, it makes you sigh. To have it leave, you'd rather die. You hope you've found that special rose, cause you love and care for the one you choose. - Rob Cella

Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships. - Stephen R. Covey

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. - Anthony Robbins

The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. - Stephen R. Covey

Little kindness and courtesies are so important. In relationships, the little things are the big things. - Stephen R. Covey

Our greatest joy-and our greatest pain comes in our relationships with others. - Stephen R. Covey

The fundamental glue that holds any relationship together is trust. - Brian Tracy

Commitment is inherent in any genuinely loving relationship. - M Scott Peck

Any relationship primarily built on physical attractiveness is predestined to be short lived. - Zig Ziglar

Before we can have a successful relationship with anyone, we first need a perfect personal relationship. - Russ Von Hoelscher

Don't rush into any kind of relationship. Work on yourself. Feel yourself, experience yourself and love yourself. Do this first and you will soon attract that special loving other. - Russ Von Hoelscher

Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person. - Wayne Dyer

Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement...all success... all achievement in real life grows. - Ben Stein

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. - Deepak Chopra

If one does not wish bonds broken, one should make them elastic and thereby strengthen them. - Ardant du Picq

true love dies hard...

I was just reading a friend of mine blog. And she spoke on her previous relationship. And how she feels. Both negative and positive thoughts on it. And pretty much saying how hard it is.

No matter if it's deep feelings, in strong likings, or even love(in love). once that person is gone, those feelings are hard to kill off.

You begin to miss the small things, and forget about all the bad times you two may have had. Notice that morning, afternoons, and nights are not the same b/c they are missing. you begin to weigh out the good and the bad and realize the good out weighed the bad. and the silly shit you fought about.

At times you want to scream at him, tell them you hate them b/c you're so angry, but once the storm calms u realize you really do love that person. and no matter what they do, you still want them.
call it a fools heart.
you look at what they've done. you say to yourself over and over again you can do better... but what is really better?

it can suck, b/c it hurts to be with them, and it hurts to be with out them

and when they are gone... and come back, you realize those feelings have never left... and you want to do everything to get them back.

true love dies hard. and if u say u can brush it off, you're full of shit...

apm